As You Are Now
by Liz Wyatt
Summary: What if this storm ends? And I don't see you. As you are now. Ever again. POST INFINITY WAR oneshot (with some spoilers). Steve is in a dark place and Natasha tries to pull him out. **this is not Brutasha friendly.**


_**SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!** THANK YOU TO MY READERS of **Missing Romanogers Moments – Infinity War**. This technically could tie in with that story, but I prefer to have it as a standalone since this veers more off canon from IW gaps in my previous story. You all keep me inspired though!_

 **As You Are Now**

 _Author: Liz Wyatt_

 _Song pairing recommendation: Snow Patrol, The Lightening Strike (parts 1,2 and 3), but really though…that song!_

 _Summary: Post Infinity War I – Steve is in a dark place and Natasha tries to pull him out. Not super Brutasha friendly._

* * *

"If half the world just disappeared there is going to be a lot of chaos." Rhodey stated to the remaining group. Natasha was still trying to hold back the tears that threatened to ravage her body. Bruce was stunned, but trying to find the right mechanism to release himself from Tony's suit.

"Captain, we need to regroup with your S.H.I.E.L.D. colleagues." Thor stated.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. isn't exactly the same organization my friend. You missed a lot." Rhodey said as he tapped the asgardian on the shoulder.

Rocket was wiping away tears with a renewed gruff demeanor. "I need to find my crew. Can the ancient technology on this planet get messages beyond earth?"

Okoye pressed a staff into the ground between the group. "We have many tools in the city. We must go back and tell them T'Challa is gone."

Bruce pushed out of the suit and approached Natasha. He hesitated, but then touched her shoulder from his position behind her. She quickly gasped away a tear and tried to control her emotions from crumbling in front of everyone. "Natasha –" Bruce began.

"We need to bring Vision's body back to the city," Natasha stated looking at the group and slouching out of Bruce's grasp and space. She was tense and struggling to keep her emotions at bay. She was compromised and she knew it was only a matter of time before her adrenaline died down from protecting her.

"Cap? You okay?" Rhodey asked from his position while walking toward Steve's sitting form. Steve had been silent, processing their exchange, or so they all assumed. Then Rhodey noticed that the Avenger was simply staring at Vision's body with blank emotion. Steve was unresponsive.

Bruce's brow furrowed noticing Steve was still slouched on the ground. "Steve?" he tried.

"What is wrong with the Captain? Was he injured in the fight?" Thor asked approaching Steve as well.

"Took one straight to the knocker I think. Maybe the guy's brain is marbles rolling around right now," Rocket joked.

Natasha spread her hand to dismiss all of their approaches and instead crouched beside him. "Steve…" she tried quietly. He was still silent, staring at Vision. Natasha decided to sit in front of him, blocking his gaze to the body. She grabbed his shoulder and then clasped both hands on either side of his face. "Hey. You in there Rogers?" She tried with a small, open smile. She was trying to encourage him to snap out of it with a kind gesture.

"Let's get him back to the medical center and we can assess his injuries." Bruce said to Natasha. She glanced up at him and removed her hands from Steve's face. She nodded with her lips tight in contemplation. Truthfully she was terrified. At least focusing on Steve would help her move past the shock of losing Wanda and all of their friends in an instant.

Rhodey picked up Vision's body with the arms of his suit. The others began to leave the forest, except for Thor and Bruce.

"You may want to help her." Bruce suggested to Thor who looked confused, but then registered what the doctor was asking of him.

"Of course." Thor said with a polite smile.

Natasha tried rubbing Steve's back and whispering to him. Bruce couldn't make out what she was saying, but he knew that the Captain was still unresponsive. Bruce walked towards his suit and left the forest.

"May I help you Widow?" Thor asked tentatively.

She simply nodded as she tried to lift one of Steve's arms with little luck. Thor meanwhile grasped his hands underneath Steve's shoulders and lifted him to a standing position. "Up we go Captain. Time to move on."

Thor's words and movement awoke Steve from his haze. He pushed out of Thor's arms and shook his head while closing his eyes for a second to push back a wave of anger or annoyance.

Natasha tried again, "Steve…" as she approached him, but his eyes broke open then and he waved her away.

"I can walk myself." He finally said as he turned abruptly away from them and toward the city.

Natasha opened her mouth to stifle a cry and instead took a deep breath. Thor looked at her both in slight confusion and admiration for her control. She tried to smile through the threatening tears.

"He will be okay tiny friend. Loss like this is not predictable. I lost my brother and am still feeling different waves in my heart and mind." Thor shared.

Natasha paused and furrowed her brow at the mention of Loki. She knew that things between he and Thor had been mended somewhat or at least more complicated. However, she still had little sympathy for the trickster after their first meeting left her best friend struggling with his own mind for months after being under the control of the Tesseract.

"I'm sorry for your loss Thor." She said simply. It was the truth in some fashion as she did not wish him any pain and Loki had still been his family. Having just watched the closest thing to her "family" disappear before her and Fury, Hill and Clint still unknown, she could appreciate the cut of that loss.

* * *

Natasha walked back into the palace to see people moving erratically from one end of the entrance toward hallways and chatter buzzing. She wasn't sure what she expected, but a more somber, quiet reaction seemed to be more appropriate. Then she realized they were all panicking and reacting in confusion rather than the sadness that would take them over soon enough.

"Natasha…" Okoye spotted her and walked over and grasped the arm of the blonde woman to usher her along. "I have told the princess of the loss of our king and she will be sworn in to lead soon. The group is welcome, but as you can see our people are still very confused and anxious."

Natasha watched a group speed by them with a woman crying out the name of someone she clearly was missing. Natasha was startled as her brain finally caught up to her body. She focused back on Okoye. "Yes…that makes sense. I'm sorry for your loss, but can you tell me where I can find a sat phone? I need to…" She saw Shuri standing with a tight, blank expression off in the doorway behind Okoye. Shuri's eyes were red and her cheeks tear stained, but she clearly had changed clothing since the fight in preparation for her ceremony. Okoye followed Natasha's gaze.

"Excuse me. I must go now Natasha. A phone will be available in the lab in the east wing or in the suite rooms. Your Captain is being seen there for medical assessment too," Okoye said and walked away toward Shuri. The two women then were in huddled whispers. Shuri was clearly angry and upset. Natasha could only imagine what she was going through. The groups of people were overwhelming her though, so she hustled toward the lab.

* * *

As she approached she could see Bruce through the glass walls. He had changed into a purple button down and was using a tablet as Steve sat shirtless on the lab table. A robotic arm moved around Steve, spinning lines across his body. Information filtered onto a glass board nearby.

Even from behind Steve looked worn. She could see his back was hunched and the energy was exhausted. Bruce caught her looking through the glass and paused his tapping on the device. He said something quickly to Steve and started to walk toward Natasha, shutting the lab door on his way out. She saw Rhodey come in the room and lay Steve back on the table as he brought a cradle down over his head. Natasha's heartbeat picked up anxiously.

"Nat," Bruce said, tearing her gaze away from Steve in the other room.

"Hey." She said quietly.

Bruce smiled. "You doing okay?"

She didn't know how to answer that. She glanced back at Steve and then to Bruce again. "Body is in tact if that is what you mean."

Bruce clearly wanted to say something else, but hesitated and thought better of it as he closed his mouth, choosing his words more carefully. "Steve is doing alright physically. He had a fracture in his wrists and forearm, presumably from fighting to break Thanos' glove. I'm surprised he didn't shatter more, but the super-soldier serum is already healing him and Shuri gave me some medicine to help ease the healing process."

"Gotcha." Natasha nodded.

Bruce paused again and she looked at him somewhat annoyed. "What is it Banner?" she said gruffly, which took Bruce off guard and she instantly regretted unleashing some of her pent up emotions on him. "I'm sorry…Bruce… it's been a really terrible day and I just need to know that Steve is going to be okay."

He smiled, accepting her apology and agreeing with her. "Physically, yes. We are scanning his head again to see if he might have had some blunt trauma, but my guess is he may have a mild concussion. Best to watch him overnight if he let's us."

"Okay." She smiled. "Concussion I can take."

"You know he hasn't been verbal since he came in. Thor tells me he did speak in the forest though?" He questioned.

Natasha crossed her arms over her chest remembering the fear that overcame her in the forest and Steve's dismissive anger. "Yeah, he spoke so now brain damage I guess. He isn't the happiest camper right now though."

"Makes sense," Bruce stated as he turned is body to face Steve in the other room. They watched Rhodey say something to Steve and then hand him a navy t-shirt. Steve placed the shirt over his head and stood up, spinning his body around, now facing Natasha and Bruce through the glass. He paused, seemingly looking at her, though she felt he was looking through her at the same time. His eyes shut as he moved out of his thoughts and pulled his arms through the rest of the shirt and began to leave the lab.

Natasha didn't even wait. Her feet were moving before her brain could process. "Thanks Bruce." She said quickly and moved down the hallway to find Steve.

* * *

He walked into his bedroom for the night and saw the glass door leading out to the patio. A fire-pit with crystals sprung to life on the patio and he walked to the glass safety wall that seemingly prevented guests from jumping down the many flights off the ground. Watching the sun setting in the distance, Steve noticed the ground in the distance was littered with bodies of soldiers on both sides. Bodies were being collected by small floating ships, almost like a claw game at an arcade, which sent a wave of new thoughts through Steve's heavy mind. He heard the door open into his suite and he didn't need to turn around to know it was her.

Natasha stepped cautiously onto the wide oval edged balcony and noted the fire-pit and furniture really did make it seems like a paradise. She felt a wash of sadness at the loss of enjoying these types of scenes any time soon. She saw Steve's hands against the glass barrier at his waist's height. She approached his side, watching his body tense as she neared. Something inside her hated that his anger had been directing itself in her line, but she also wouldn't want anyone else to have that duty.

"Hey partner," she tried lightly. He continued to stare out at the ships picking up bodies of their army.

"Steve. You have to talk to me at some point." She said lightly again. Still, nothing from him, but then she heard him sigh a deep breath.

"Seriously soldier?" She was getting annoyed now. How dare he be the only one feeling the weight of the fight and losing their friends? "Steve…look at me." She tried again. She was frustrated now and attempted to pull his closest arm off the glass support. He let go of the glass, but only stood taller instead of facing her.

"Steve Rogers you do not get to do this!" She was yelling now. She pulled his other arm down and pulled both of his arms to force his body to face her. His head shot in her direction and his eyes were filled with annoyance and anger.

She looked directly into his eyes questioning him. She watched the fire of his anger play behind his eyes, but still he didn't speak. She titled her head while continuing to hold his arms. She slid her hands down to his wrists and then his hands. Her own anger was dissipating and was being replaced with fear that her partner who had been the moral compass, strong center of their team over the last few years was now a raw rod of post-war shock and anger. She knew she wasn't going to win an argument, especially if he refused to speak.

She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, which forced him to blink and release the non-verbal war they were waging. She freed his hands and he briefly looked a bit confused in his haze, but a furrowed brow was replaced on his tense face.

"Steve…" she quietly tried. "Doc says you may have a concussion. You need to stay awake for another hour or so while they confirm if that's true then you should get some rest if you can." She stated. He looked like he was listening, but he showed no softening of his features or acknowledgement.

She threw her hands up and went back in the room to search for a phone. She found one tucked away near a mini-fridge and bar sink. She thought again what it might have been like to stay in Wakanda when the world wasn't broken.

* * *

Natasha removed the rest of her battle gear as she stepped out of Steve's room and dialed the familiar phone number, hoping someone would pick up and confirm they made it.

"Who is this?" Clint's rough voice bellowed through the phone. Natasha sat down on a bench and opened her mouth to stifle a gasp of air as a tear slid down each cheek.

"I can hear you breathing." Clint stated annoyed.

"Clint." Natasha finally found her voice.

"Nat?" He questioned. "You're alive." It was more of a fact than a question this time.

She laughed awkwardly as a few more tears fell. "Yeah…I am. Glad to hear you are too."

"Yeah way to leave me off your call list when weird shit is happening." He was angrily.

She sighed. "Clint, I'm sorry. We knew you were out and I figured if we didn't make it you might be the next wave. But then the beast wiped out half the planet."

"I know. It's all over the news. Pepper Potts has been warning everyone for days on international feeds. I guess Stark disappeared with a Dr. Strange or something and she was trying to find him too." Natasha could hear propellers in the background of Clint's call.

"Where are you?" She asked.

"Local airport. Trying to make it to New York. Fury's car was found with Hill registered as with him at the time of the…incident."

"Understood." She stated, but then paused knowing she had to ask the next question, but didn't want to know the answer. If half of the population was taken, what was the chance that Clint's family of 5 survived? "Laura with you?"

She could hear him breath painfully, likely choking back his own emotions. "Lila is with me. Everyone else…" he paused, but she knew. And, he knew she understood.

"She'll be safe with you Clint." Natasha stated.

"I know." He said sniffling for a second. "Nat…"

She waited for him to continue, but he clearly was struggling. "What Clint?"

He sighed again. "They think Hill was taken with the rest. I know you left some precious cargo with her."

Natasha felt her chest constrict.

"I let Pepper know in comms. She's going to Hill's safe houses. If she finds anything I'll let you know."

Natasha pulled her bottom lip inward trying to bite back any tears that threatened to fall now. "Yeah…sounds good. Thanks Clint. Keep me posted, but I have to go now."

"Nat…"

"Really, thanks," she said quickly and hung up the phone.

* * *

When she opened the door, Steve was now laying propped up on the bed, facing the balcony as the sun finally set.

She approached the bed tentatively. "Steve…I spoke to Clint." She started and his head turned in her direction. She took that as a good sign and was going to continue, but there was a knock at the door. She sighed and gestured 'one minute' with her finger as she opened the suite door to reveal Bruce.

"Hey, I'm here to check up on the patient." He said with a smile that was took large for Natasha's liking on a somber day like they were having. She knew he was trying to lighten the mood or move on from the massacre like he always had in his separation of beast and man.

"He's on the bed." Natasha gestured and Bruce entered, approaching Steve.

"Hey buddy." Bruce tried. Steve continued to stare off in the distance and ignore the doctor. "Well, good news is Steve isn't concussed so he can sleep tonight, but we'll need to reevaluate tomorrow. The team is already making plans." Bruce said toward Natasha.

"The team." Steve laughed, which caused both Natasha and Bruce to jump slightly. "There is no team. They are all gone. Dead."

"There are still survivors Steve." Bruce stated. "We can't just sit by and feel guilty for surviving. We have to regroup and fix this."

"Fix this?" Steve looked toward Bruce now and continued to laugh slightly. "There is no…fixing this. We lost Banner. The. End. We aren't heroes. We are people who were thrown into this group because Fury wanted it. I should have stayed dead in the ice." Steve bellowed and stood to walk back out to balcony. He shut the glass slider curtly and kicked a few crystals off the fire pit before laughing painfully into the night.

Bruce watched the scene unfold and then turned to Natasha. "That is not a man. That is a child."

She shook her head. "What do you expect?"

"Expect?" Bruce began to pace. "I expect that for a guy who talks about teamwork and leaving no life behind that he would step up and try to help find a solution, but he…that guy…he."

"What?" Natasha challenged. "He isn't allowed to break or feel this?"

"No." Bruce stated a bit too gruffly. "None of us get to wallow. He and Tony wanted that leader title. All 'Captain Wonderful' does is live and breathe war. He doesn't know what it's like to be the beast or to have something uncontrollable driving inside of you. Tony got that to a point, but Steve…he wanted this, so he doesn't get to sit back and judge us for trying to do his job."

Natasha was taken aback by Bruce's outburst. She knew that there were layers beneath his words that were pointed at being dragged into the last few big fights and she was sure something had happened between he and the Hulk over the missing years. Maybe there was even a layer targeted at her.

"You don't get to blame him Bruce!" Natasha threatened with renewed defensiveness.

Bruce stopped pacing and faced Natasha face on. "Nat…I know he is your partner, but you can't let him off the hook."

"He isn't just my partner!"

"Friend. Whatever, semantics. Sam filled me in on the last few years of your trio. You know Cap better than anyone and he is still acting like none of us, even you, matter right now. I didn't come back to play babysitter."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm her burning desire to yell at Bruce. "Clearly Sam didn't tell you everything."

"What is that supposed to mean?" He asked tersely.

"Steve is my husband." Natasha stated firmly. Bruce paused and stepped back slightly. "He is my husband and somewhere out there is our son, alone, or in the wind, gone... either way I need to get Steve to give a damn about that before either of us go running back into a fight with what is left of the Avengers."

Bruce looked dumbfounded. He was about to say something, but Natasha cut him off. "Please, Bruce…just go now." She crossed her arms and turned her back to him, facing Steve on the balcony.

"Okay." Bruce said simply and left.

* * *

Natasha tried to keep her emotions in check. She had tried to stay strong throughout the battle and the aftermath, but usually Steve was the one holding her or telling her that everything was going to be okay. She didn't know what to do though. Should she go try to talk to him again? Would he still be angry toward her?

The phone began to ring. She picked it up, watching Steve sit in the moonlight with the balcony lit across the edges. Even in her raw feelings she still loved the sight of him. They had spent many nights staring up at the stars together.

"Hello?" Nat asked into the receiver.

"Natasha? This is Pepper."

She sighed a second of relief. "Good to hear from you."

"Yes, Clint gave me the number. He is flying with Lila to New York currently, but I wanted to give you an update," Pepper said slowly. Natasha's stomach dropped. "Natasha?"

"Yes…I'm here," she said simply.

"I went through Hill's safe houses and –" Pepper was cut off by a wailing cry of a baby in the background. Natasha felt herself drop to her knees with tears streaming freely. "James is okay. Hill had a babysitter with him. She was freaked out, but a S.H.I.E.L.D. operative so she followed protocol. Wouldn't let me take him easily."

The baby's wails continued and she could hear Happy's voice in the background trying to coo at the baby. "Here, just give him to me." Pepper beckoned seemingly to Happy.

"Natasha?" Happy's voice came through the phone now.

"Yes. Yes! Thank you Happy." Natasha yelled. Steve clearly heard her and she saw him swiftly walk back into the bedroom. She was smiling and crying at the same time.

"We'll send more information once we get the baby settled back at the compound." Happy's voice swept through the phone, but Natasha's arms had already gone limp as the cries racked through her shoulders and down through her body to her kneeling position.

Steve approached her and knelt to her level before sitting on the ground. He took the phone from Natasha and heard a click of the line going dead. He laid the phone down and locked eyes with her through her tears. He was looking at her, truly looking and assessing her for the first time since the battle began.

"James?" He asked. A wave of recognition washed over him as if he was remembering the fight and all the events afterward, including yelling at Natasha. It hit him like a freight train, pulling the air from his chest when he suddenly remembered his son whom they had left with Maria Hill not too long ago. The image of Bucky, his son's namesake, disappearing into the wind also washed through his mind and he feared his son had met the same fate.

She was still gasping and he pulled her from her knees to a more seated position in front of him. He pushed back the blonde hair that was now matted to her face between tears. Her hand shot up to clasp lightly around his right wrist and she leant into his hand with her cheek. He looked at her hand and then back at her eyes.

"He's okay. He's alive. He's with Pepper." She managed to breathe out in between tears and a wet smile.

His eyes recognized her words and they both laughed inappropriately and he kissed her quickly before he pulled her to him completely in his embrace.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I went away Nat." He let his own tears fall and land in her hair.

"We're okay," She said over and over again as he rocked her slightly in his arms as they held each other while crying for the first time for the friends they had lost and the son that they hadn't. They had both been compromised long before the war with Thanos started. Maybe they had been compromised well before the pregnancy test or before their first kiss after she found him on the run with Sam. If she had to pinpoint the moment her heart cracked open for Steve Rogers it was probably the first time she saved his life in the heat of battle in New York City and he gave her a goofy grin from under his costume helmet. The rest was just time. Time together and time left to live together as they were now.

Thanos was still out there and they would deal with him as a team, but right now the storm had ended and the two former avengers were whole again.


End file.
